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Wednesday, April 16 2014 @ 02:31 AM CDT

Young Capitalists in Love (by Mickey Z.)

Capitalism

What is love? Poets, philosophers, and marketing executives have pondered this question for eons without conjuring up an acceptable answer—until now. Thanks to Jessica Silver-Greenberg and the New York Times, the meaning of love can now be expressed in those three oh-so-familiar words: Good credit score. The groundbreaking Christmas Day article was entitled, “Perfect 10? Never Mind That. Ask Her for Her Credit Score.” Yes, while we all were certain that without perfect looks (especially for women) any relationship is doomed, Silver-Greenberg sets us straight right from the start:

Young Capitalists in Love (by Mickey Z.)

“And, in the end, the love you take is equal to the income you make.”

What is love? Poets, philosophers, and marketing executives have pondered this question for eons without conjuring up an acceptable answer—until now. Thanks to Jessica Silver-Greenberg and the New York Times, the meaning of love can now be expressed in those three oh-so-familiar words: Good credit score.

The groundbreaking Christmas Day article was entitled, “Perfect 10? Never Mind That. Ask Her for Her Credit Score.” Yes, while we all were certain that without perfect looks (especially for women) any relationship is doomed, Silver-Greenberg sets us straight right from the start:

As she nibbled on strawberry shortcake, Jessica LaShawn, a flight attendant from Chicago, tried not to get ahead of herself and imagine this first date turning into another and another, and maybe, at some point, a glimmering diamond ring and happily ever after. She simply couldn’t help it, though. After all, he was tall, from a religious family, raised by his grandparents just as she was, worked in finance and even had great teeth. Her musings were suddenly interrupted when her date asked a decidedly unromantic question: “What’s your credit score?”

What I just learned from those 91 words:

  • The best dates involve sugary desserts (hidden ingredient: animal cruelty)
  • Being a flight attendant is a swell job for women who want to attract Mr. Right
  • Diamonds: focus on the glimmer not the exploitation
  • Girls often just can’t help musing
  • Religious people rule
  • “Finance” is a great word to hide the realities of capitalism
  • Men with great teeth rule
  • “Happily ever after” exists and must be relentlessly pursued

A Crazy Little Thing Called Credit

The credit score, as the Times explains, is “derived from a complex formula that incorporates outstanding debt and payment histories.”

Translation: Leave such “complexities” to the experts.

Credit scores are so widely used, adds Silver-Greenberg, and have become “a bigger factor in dating decisions, sometimes eclipsing more traditional priorities like a good job, shared interests and physical chemistry.”

Translation: Note the order of priorities and in case you’re wondering what constitutes a “good job,” check the “worked in finance” comment above.

“Credit scores are like the dating equivalent of a sexually transmitted disease test,” Manisha Thakor, the founder and chief executive of MoneyZen Wealth Management, told the Times. “It’s a shorthand way to get a sense of someone’s financial past the same way an S.T.D. test gives some information about a person’s sexual past.”

Translation: My brain just exploded.

“Good Credit Is Sexy”

The article helpfully points relationship-seeking readers to a couple of dating websites. Creditscoredating.com, which allows members to view the credit scores of potential dates who agree to provide the numbers, declares: “Good Credit Is Sexy.” Meanwhile, we learn from members on Datemycreditscore.com to “stop kidding” ourselves and realize that credit scores do matter.

“Dating someone with poor credit can have real implications,” Silver-Greenberg clarifies.

How so? Could it impact intimacy or trust? Don’t be so naïve, comrades, the Times is here to explain the “real implications”: “A low score could quash dreams of buying a house, and result in steep interest rates, up to 29 percent, for credit cards, car financing and other unsecured loans.”

Now, those are some real implications…

All You Need is Credit

We return to Jessica LaShawn—the jilted flight attendant from Chicago—at the end of the Times article to discover she was “shocked that her credit score could sabotage a potentially great date.”

It sounds to me like she’s just not ready to spend the time needed to truly invest in a meaningful relationship. If she wants to meet that special someone (good job, great teeth, buys diamonds, etc.), Jessica must develop just enough financial equality as to appear solvent yet non-threatening.

What could possibly be more romantic?

Note: Come see Mickey Z. in person on January 12 in NYC for Occupy the Climate: Hurricane Sandy, Eco-Activism, & the Vegan Option.

http://www.facebook.com/events/107995236035619

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